Thursday, April 4, 2013

fkd's Theory of Creation

I do believe in god, and I think god is a woman. It's the only plausible explanation for the universe and existence.

I came to this conclusion after many years of relationships with women. Only a woman would do everything to make a man happy, and then play passive aggressive "tests" with him, much to his total unawareness that it's going on. You see, I believe the entire Genesis story of the garden and the snake and the apple and the man and woman are totally true. These are real events.

See, god, a woman, makes the garden, makes Adam, makes everything. But Adam ain't happy. And god, she gets pissed cuz Adam should only want her. This is the perfect setup for a woman to have a man in. Adam has no friends. He can't go out. He has no hobbies. God gets to make all this for him. Friends? Ok, here's some animals. Hobbies? Ok, well, here's some fruit trees to look after. But he still ain't happy, cuz no guy is ever going to be happy being totally controlled like that, and so, we get the first ever game-playing in history.

God's like, "ok, fine. I'll make him another woman, just to test him and see/prove that he loves me more." So, she makes Eve. The problem is, Eve had a vagina, and that's like, way fun when it's going on. Oh man is Adam happy now. And Eve and god are all, glaring at each other at times across the room with that female, "nice dress" stuff, and god, the more powerful woman, brings it to a head. "I'll make a tree that if they eat it they'll eventually die and stuff, but Adam will choose me cuz, deep down, whether Eve has a vagina or not, Adam _really_ loves me more." Oh, and Eve picks up on it quick. God and Eve know what's going on, but of course, Adam, don't -- the first sucker on earth.

So Eve is like, "game on biatch!" She eats the apple. God is giddy. "Oh boy oh boy! Now, Adam will not, cuz he _really_ loves me more, and that chick'll be gone, and then it'll be back to just me and Adam." Well, we all know what happens. The first sucker on earth picks hot and new over old and busted, and thus, we are where we are today.

So you see, Stephen Hawking was close, just not close enough. I really think this it the best foundation for creationism and science. This is like, the Sophocles of it all if you will -- the Sun Tzu. We need to start with women as the original cause for the imperfection that lead to gravity, dark matter, dark energy, religion, wars, etc. This is all extremely logical....

(PS: please don't tell my wife I wrote this, thx)

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