Sunday, August 17, 2014

Man of god

I wish this post were a joke, or exaggerated, but it's totally true:

[Note: I'm helping my Mom with her computer using chrome remote desktop.  For some reason, the mouse doesn't work, so I had to tell her what to do ... it's a known bug]

Mom: "Hi son."
Me: "Hi Mom."
Mom: "You remember that administrator password you gave me and told me never to put in without calling you first?"
Me: "[oh no] Yes Mom."
Mom: "Well .. I got this popup and it told me I needed to update.  I clicked 'yes' to update and then it asked me for that administrator password you gave me, and I put it in.."
Me: "...Mom, I, look, why didn't you call me?"
Mom: "I don't know.   You told me updates were good."
Me: "Yes Mom.  I meant updates form Microsoft, or the legit program maker, but I told you never to use that password without calling me first."
Mom: "I'm sorry son.  Can you help?  I keep getting these things popping up and my computer's running slow."
Me: "Ok, look.  Just don't log into your bank account, ok?"
Mom: "I'm in there right now."
Me: "You logged into your bank?  I told you never to do that if ever you think you've been infected."
Mom: "Well I know.  I was just in a hurry."
Me: "Mom, listen, shut down your computer.  Stop using it.  Only call over the phone or use your phone to access your bank."
Mom: "I can't access my bank on my phone I have to use the computer."
Me: "Mom, you surf facebook on your phone right?"
Mom: "Yes."
Me: "Ok.  It's the same thing.  Most banks even have an app for your phone."
Mom: "But I don't have a mouse on my phone."
Me: "Ok look.  Let me call you later.  I'll remote in and fix your computer.  Just shut it off for now ok?"
Mom: "Ok."


Me: "Hi Mom.  Did you shut your computer off like I asked?"
Mom: "Yes.  I unplugged all the cables."
Me: "...Mom I didn't tell you to unplug all the cables.  That wasn't necessary.  I... ok nevermind.  Let's get all the cables back in first."

[An agonizing hour later, after many discussions about the difference between a category5 cable and a USB cable and listening to how bad knees hurt at said age]

Me: "Ok Mom.  Malwarebytes should be asking for the administrator password now. I cannot see that screen."
Mom: "But you told me not to use that."
Me: "I told you to call me before using it, for just such occasions as this infection."
Mom: "So I can put it now?  It won't hurt my computer?"
Me: "No.  It will not.  It wasn't the administrator password that hurt your computer.  It was the malware you installed by giving it.  This is good software now.  Use it now."

[I open the browser and see google shortcuts to ourtime.  Yahoo messenger pops up 'user Manofgod']

Mom: [To Manofgod: 'hi baby!  I'm working on my computer with my son!]
Manofgod: "Hey baby, what are you wearing this time?"
Manofgod: "I am sorry I did not type that I hafe to go."

[Awkward silence]

Me: "Ok.  Mom.  Can you please close yahoo messenger for me?  It's in front of the malwarebytes install screen."

[Malwarebytes install closes]

Me: "...Mom.  I, you closed malwarebytes install."
Mom: "I did?  I didn't mean to. I was just doing what you said to do."
Me: "I did not tell you to do that.  Nevermind.  Ok.  Let's go back to google."
Mom: "How do I get to google?"
Me: "We just discussed this.  The same way you would were I not on the phone with you."
Mom: "Ok.  So click the colorful circle?"
Me: "Yes.  chrome.  Click Chrome."
Mom: "Chrome?  But you said google."
Me: "Mom.  Chrome is a browser and it loads..  Ok look.  Just go to ourtime ok?"

[Chrome opens with as homepage.  'Ourtime' begins to type out in the search box]

Me: "Ok stop!"
Mom: "Why?"
Me: "Because now we have"
Mom: "Oh, ok.  I see that now."
Me: "Ok.  Now erase ourtime and type in malwarebytes like you did earlier."

[Her phone rings]

Mom: "Hello?  Hehe, hi baby! Ok!  Good.  Give me 15 minutes, I'll be right there!  Honey, can you do this without me?  I have to go now."
Me: "Go where?"
Mom: "To meet Bobby off ourtime!"
Me: "...ok Mom.  That's fine."
Mom: "Oh, btw son, can you reset the administrator password to 'Manofgod'?"
Me: "Sure Mom.  Manofgod it is.  Tell Bobby I said hi."
Mom: "Ok son.  He's really a great christian man."
Me: "He's a man of god right?"
Mom: "Hehe!  Right!"

And now for a picture of a dog not giving 2 shits about Cesar Millan

Grand Theft Minecraft

Or Breaking Mindcraft..